Blogs from Jupiter

I have been prayerful all my life. In my childhood, Dad and Lola taught me how to pray. And as I continuously to yearn and thirst for that spiritual experience, I encountered people who taught me how to pray as I journey along the way, prayers in different forms and sizes. One time, it felt like I was literally conversing with God. I was in my early teens then. Then it stopped. I remember that “voice” ordering me to stop doing something but I still continued. The “voice” did not leave abruptly; I continued hearing the “voice” until it faded away.

Hearing the “voice” gave me that sense of security, an assurance that God really exists and that He loves us and He will take care of us. I never blamed God for the situations I am into right now. All is not well but we get through. He was with me but as an outsider. I did not allow Him to take control of my life. There were instances that I did ask help from Him especially during times of crisis, using all the types of prayers that I know, and asking for the intercessions and prayers of His heavenly and earthly saints. He is good. He hears our prayers and, yes, He answers prayers. I thank Him for He is indeed a God of miracles.

I thought one could live spiritually with just using one’s volition and good and sincere intentions; trying to be good and by obeying His commandments. Hey! God is just there and you could always count on Him anytime. He is there and will always be there. And so I thought…

A lot of significant events have been happening for the past two years since Dad died in 2006. And we all know that things happen for a reason. I went through an awakening, self-realization phase. I had life-changing events, both good and bad. All of a sudden, I was in situations that I have no control of as if I was a chess piece being transferred from one block to another. It was good, even the bad things were okay because you know someone higher than you is in control. God is in control. He was correcting me, changing what was all wrong. At that time and up to now, all I can think of is just surrender all of these to Him. What can a helpless person do? My prayers were, “Lord, this is all yours.”

As I go through this process, and as I enjoy the moment with Him, God all of a sudden left me. I felt abandoned this time. But don’t get me wrong. At the peak of this honeymoon period with God, I saw myself going back to my old self. I was back to my old ways. I returned to my old sins. It was that abrupt. God all of a sudden took the backseat. He was an outsider again. I don’t know if this was a test of faith or if the enemy was winning me back. Apparently, the enemy won as I succumbed to sin.

These were months of self struggle. I made two steps forward and then four steps backward. I was back again to the bottom. It was a descending spiral, like a whirl pool, swirling you around and around, drowning you until you are back in darkness. Thing is, I was so aware of what was happening. The mystery of it all is that He allowed it to happen. I was back to where God has picked me up. I was angry. For the first time in my life, I started blaming God.

My prayers then were something to this effect: “Father God, my desire is to look beautiful in Your eyes. Make me whole. Heal my brokenness.” And He was doing it. He sent me people. He brought me to events and situations that brought healing. He opened opportunities for me to do better, to have reconciliation, and to do atonement. Aside from reading His Word through the Bible, that “voice” came back. And He was literally guiding me through every step. I was so high!

And then, at the middle of it all, He left me. I experienced sin again; I was my old worldly self. I prayed again, “I thought I’ve surrendered myself to You? Why is this happening?” Instead of His “voice”, I started hearing songs of praise, songs during church service and praise and worship. I could hear it coming from the inside but it was all over the place, outside of me as well, as if angels were the ones singing. Just imagine, I was doing stupid things but the sounds in the background were gospel music.

As I harbor this hurt, coming from God Himself, I had some realizations: I still love God. His intentions were good. Some will have different interpretations to this feeling of abandonment that I went through. Believe it or not, I still feel spiritual and still somewhat connected to Him despite the sin. How could I don’t feel connected as I could still feel Him from a distance, not near and within, but far yet I could still see Him. He’s somewhere there watching me. He is the Father of the prodigal son waiting, watching from afar.

I told God: “why don’t you just play chess with me again?” God in His gentle smile said: I gave you freewill. You are gifted with the gift of choice. I am just presenting you the options. I revealed Myself to you to show you what I am offering. I left you because I know you would always want to take control of your life, the way you used to do. I am just here because I AM. You may do whatever you want from now.

But, Father God, I have surrendered myself to You already.

Have you really surrendered yourself, Jupiter?

My God, You presented Yourself to me as someone that I have to accept. I am helpless and I have no choice but to accept You. There is no other way but You, O Lord!

Jupiter, man creates his own destiny. And that destiny is all towards I AM. I AM presented Himself to you, accordingly. Use your gift of choice in preparing that blueprint for your journey. I allowed you to see the heavens. I allowed you to feel bliss. But I AM more than that. I AM here on top of the mountain waiting for you.

My God, I fear that I shall fall. I haven’t started the real journey yet but I have sinned again.

Call upon my Beloved Son as He will lead you in your journey to I AM.