Blogs from Jupiter

Father God, I am so ashamed revealing myself to You. I’ve been struggling hard for the past days. I continue to sin. I continue to fall. I continue to blaspheme. I ask for Your forgiveness and mercy. My heart is heavy, weary and restless. I am confused and I don’t know from where is this coming. I face a blank thick wall, waiting for Your words. Problem is, I don’t understand. Probably, I refuse to understand.

Father God, please don’t allow me to falter. Steer me away from all of these… all of these… I don’t know how to surrender, Father God… I claim that I have You in me… Yes, Father God! You are ever present! You are ever present! But why am I so broken? Why am I such a mess? As I continue to sin, I literally see You cry… those tears, Father God. Are You resenting me?

There are a lot of issues to be resolved, with my family, work, friends… I have issues with You, Father God… But I cannot deal with them yet… I am having a hard time confronting, dealing and making sense out of these issues… I am so angry within, Father God… But I just don’t know how to get mad… Right now, the devil is not my enemy. I am my worst enemy. I have issues with myself, and it’s so hard, so hard to deal with someone complicated as me. 

How could I give forgiveness if I don’t know how to forgive myself? How could I give love if I don’t know how to love myself? Father God, why do I continue to hurt? Why do we continue to cry? And why do I continue hurting myself? For how long, Father God? How many buckets of tears do I have to shed before I finally empty my heart with all these hurts I harbor? Sometimes, I just want to go away… go away. What if I don’t exist anymore?

But Father God, we really cannot fathom Your ways. You are a generous God. A God of miracles. You revealed Yourself as Abba, the compassionate, forgiving and merciful Father. You have not given up on me despite the many times I fall. When I literally surrender, giving up the fight, You take over my battles. It is so hard to understand that my God. Why do You love us so much? I feel so guilty, Father God. I am so ashamed.

How could I see Your face? As I bow down my head, sinful and sorrowful, all that my rationalizing mind can think of, and this human heart desire, is just to give all of these up to You. I don’t have all the answers to my questions. I just pray to You, Father God, even if I don’t know what to pray for. I just cannot deny Your mighty and divine presence in my life. You are watching me, Father God, you are watching me.

Empty my heart, Father God, most especially empty my mind. Could I ask You to get rid of my freewill and replace it with Your will? Crush this boastful heart of stone! Make me still…

As I end this prayer, Father God, and as I confess all of these to my brothers and sisters, I ask You Father God to send Your angels and saints, and most especially Your Son, my Brother, my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ to guide me through this journey.

Amen.