Blogs from Jupiter

Words are not enough to describe the feeling of great loss. Writing about Dad’s passing, putting it on paper, is no easy task. But I have to because I know I have to lighten my heavy heart by letting all of these sad feelings out of me. I am not asking for sympathy from those who will read this blog but consolation comes when one is able to grapple with his or her feelings. And in my case, to deal with the emotional and spiritual turmoil through the written word because this is what I am.

All of you were right. Despite acceptance, you could never be really prepared when death comes in the family. When Papa’s body was placed in the crematory and the burner immediately closed, my Mama (who was already hysterical), my sister, and an uncle fainted. My youngest brother and I ran to Mama’s side. But I just couldn’t control myself as well. People, family and friends, in the receiving area of the crematorium were all downhearted, crying for Papa. I was running around, crying and screaming, until an auntie of mine took hold of me and hugged me hard to appease me. She was trying to calm me down even if she was having a hard time controlling her emotions as well.

Papa’s cremation was like the exact feeling when I got lost in a market when I was five years old. I lost hold of my parents in the middle of a big crowd. And I was just crying and crying because Mama and Papa were no where to be found. People around were trying to talk to me, trying to appease me, asking me who were my parents. A police officer approached me and was about to take me when I immediately saw Mama and Papa, both worried sick of my temporary separation from them. Both hugged me hard and promised me that they will never lose me again.

I was lost again. That exact same feeling. Except this time Mama was down and too weak to look for me, and Papa was really no longer there.

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I now appreciate why Papa decided to have his body cremated. It was his request that his ashes be allowed to stay with us for a year. Right after the cremation, we immediately went home and placed his urn beside our altar, adorned it with flowers and vigil candles, and put in place a happy picture of Papa. On top of the tubular marble urn is Papa’s favorite Masonic hat.

Looking at Papa’s picture, at the same time, feeling his physical (ashes) and spiritual presence at home, I realized the beauty of death. Yes, it’s sad, really sad. But love, honor and peace overwhelmed the loss. I am proud of my Papa, and his legacy gives me comfort that his passing was not worthless.

His ashes at home gave that comforting feeling, that sense of security, that all is well. And that he is still with us in spirit. In fact, his presence is much stronger now compared to when he was alive. He seems to guide us through this sad transition.

As for Mama, she really misses Dad so much. She always cries every time she’s left alone. So we always make sure that she has company. After Papa, we have to take care of Mama. But we know that Mama will be okay soon.