Blogs from Jupiter

It’s been more than two years since you left us. Miss you, dad. I am now looking forward to that day where all of us will be united with the one Supreme Being. You kept your promises, dad. You promised us that you will still take care of us even after you crossed over. How I wish that your first grandson Odin could experience a great lolo like you. Govi has not been doing well lately, dad. But I know you continuously pray for her up there. We thank God that He sent immediately an angel in the person of Odin. Its difficult not having a dad around but at least having a baby in the family is something we look forward to at the end of the day. I pray that Odin grows up to be a great man.

I’m so happy dad that you continuously guide Osay in his studies. I remember you promising that to him before you died. And dad, thank you so much because he belongs to the top of his class. He’s school is no ordinary school. Osiris has been working so hard for this. And he’s one great badminton player, dad. We were never athletic, but Osiris, he’s really great playing the badminton. We just hope that he invites us to his tournaments so we could cheer for him. But then again, it’s okay if he does not invite us. I know the feeling. Having family members around is sometimes pressuring. Please continue to guide him, dad, coz not all the time, mama and us, his siblings, will be there for him. And besides, he is at this stage where he’s starting to realize his independence. Don’t allow bad friends to come near him.

As for Jake and Lisa, I know they’ll pull through. But it will be more wonderful if Odin will be followed by another nephew or perhaps a niece this time. Let us be one in prayer so that Jake and Lisa will be well with their finances and careers so that they may be able to sustain a family. But of course, dad, like what you taught us, money does not make a family. A family is united by faith and prayer. And you’ve planted good seeds in Jake and Lisa, and we shall water it and nourish it with prayer and love.

I know Chi misses you too. She’s been dreaming a lot of you lately. You’ve been in touch with her through her dreams. I’m a bit worried about her too coz we don’t get to contact her regularly. But we continuously pray for her and we trust that nothing wrong will happen. She has a nice boyfriend who I know loves her so much. I am thankful that Rakesh is a God-fearing person, and that’s an assurance that he’s sincere with Chi, and that he will protect her while she’s in Dubai.

As for me, well, dad, here I am. Now, bare and naked in front of you. Now you know me better. But does it really matter now? At least, you are now devoid of feeling. And as you look at your earthly descendants in this game we call life… I don’t know. You were devoid of feelings even when you were here on earth. You try to control expression of emotion. But yes, we do feel your love, unconditional and pure love. One million monuments are not enough to honor you. The sacrifices you have to go through just for us. I’ve been trying to get rid of this guilt feeling, dad. But it just won’t go away. It just won’t go away. Please help me understand what you did for us, dad. I tremble every time I think of your sacrifices. That was so much love, dad. How? How can we your children ever return that love to you?

What’s happening, dad? Where I am now? Been looking for myself for the longest time but I still can’t find myself. I am still so lost. I cannot blame you or mama. I know you did your best in bringing us up. Given the circumstances, what you gave us was more than enough. I still cry thinking about it.

Anyways, dad, the journey continues. Things are not that really bad. I feel bad sometimes but I’m okay. I know that you won’t like what I’m about to say… but I’m still human. But nevertheless being human is not an excuse… I know that, dad, I know that. I’m taking things one step at a time.

Right now, things are falling in its right places. I’m lost but God found me! And I know that this has been your prayer all your life for us your children… for God to finally take control and be the center of our lives. I am still a work in progress, dad. I really don’t know what lies ahead. I’m just holding on to God’s promise that all will be well. He is the past, the present and the future. So what could go wrong? Still sad, but its okay. Problems are still there, but its okay coz problems and challenges are really blessings. N is one great blessing despite our differences and the hurts. M, on the other hand, has taught me a lot in terms of seeing things differently but I know we would learn more if we separate ways. At least M has realized that the only way for us to grow is for us to separate. The rut has been so uncontrollable and the only way out is to literally get out of it. Thanks for your prayers and for spiritually intervening, dad. But wait, is M2 it? Is she the one? Ha! Ha! Ha! T thinks that it was you who sent her. Ha! Ha!

I’m in no rush. I’m just going with the flow. The Good Lord has better plans for me. Right now, I’ve stopped ranting in front of God. I still do pray for people and for the family. I’ve stopped praying for myself coz this time I try to listen to what God is praying for me. Bahala na, dad. We just surrender, carry our crosses and crucify our old selves for us to resurrect as new persons, as new creations.

As for mama, give me some more time, dad. I pray that God will continue to give me the gift of time so I would be able to work on things that I have to fix for mama. Of course, she has to live long coz I want to give her a grandchild, but that all depends on His will. I’m at this stage of transition, still trying to figure out what is His will for me. I am trying to look at things not with my eyes but through His eyes, trying to get the feel of things by not trusting my feelings but His will.

We promise you that we will make mama proud and happy.

Miss you, dad. Here’s one big bear hug for you.

Your son,

Jupiter

I realize that I haven’t grown in your eyes. I still have a long way to go. Thank you for just being there when I needed you. That’s the problem. I only call you when I need you. You’ve been nagging me for the past months. Thing is, I choose to ignore you.

I’m 33 years old but I still feel like I’m a baby. Don’t know if that’s good or bad. They say that to enter your kingdom, one has to be like a child. I still feel like a child, been acting like one for the longest time. Now, I’m not sure if I’ll ever enter your kingdom. It’s all up to your grace.

You sent me Redge to deliver your message. A total stranger who apparently knows me more than I do. You’ve been telling my secrets to him. It’s ok. I really don’t mind. Anyway, got your message loud and clear; and thank you for the assurance. Thank you very much for the assurance. Redge’s message is so far the greatest birthday gift I received from you.

‘Love is on its way’

Thank you. All praises to you!

It’s the first time I literally ate brain food. I mean, I ate fried pig’s brain. Nothing unusual, it’s just that it felt like I ate one massive block of butter with the texture and feel of durian in the palate. Just imagine the loads of cholesterol in it. Then I felt something funny behind the back of my neck… uh oh… that thick feeling on the backside of your neck when you ate something really bad. So I ordered another bottle of still water, and drank it strait. I felt a bit dizzy after a few bites but after drinking two bottles of 350 ml water, I was back to normal. Never will I try that again.

I’m in Saigon, Vietnam. I arrived yesterday from London. My boss, a staff and I were there for a series of meetings with friends from the maritime transport press. Most of the big league transport publications are based in London. We regularly hold these series of meetings in Manila, Hong Kong and Singapore. Nothing serious and hardcore; just a relaxed, nice chit chat with good old friends in media who have been covering ICTSI for ages. This was the second time my boss did something like this in London, and the first time with her whipping boys =). The last time she did the blitzes were 12 years ago. Most of these editors we met were just correspondents and staff writers then. Now, they are editors and publishers. It was nice to meet them, exchanging insights on the course of the global transport industry especially that of sea ports, and comparing notes between London traffic and Manila traffic… still about transport, of course! Modern day pirates off the coast of Somalia were a special interest during conversations because a British oil tanker was the latest victim, and most of these hijacked sea vessels employ Filipino seafarers. And of course, we shocked them that we operate a port in Madagascar, a country not far from Somalia.

We left London Saturday at the brink of sub-zero temperatures. I was so enjoying the cold weather but -5 degrees is a different story. I had this dream that I died of sleep due to cold weather in Iceland. Well, it was London and not Reykjavik. But still, it’s creepy because it’s a cold weather death premonition. But I do love cold weather, and if I die because of hypothermia, most likely, you would see a smile on my face. And probably by that time, I would have lived a very fulfilling life.

By Sunday in Hong Kong, my companions went back to Manila, while I took the flight to Ho Chi Minh City. This was my second time in Saigon. The first time was in 2001. Saigon is still Saigon, except for the traffic jams and more tourists. The traffic jams are good because its traffic brought about by economic boom: road diggings to improve water pipes and sewers, construction of high rise buildings, and more cars on the road. The last time I was here, all you see are scooters and bikes. Now, you have nice cars and taxis, inching their way against a throng of bikes.

I’m here to assist our executive vice president with his paper and presentation on the prospects of ICTSI becoming a regional port operator in the light of the upcoming ASEAN economic integration by 2015. We’re off to become another EU in this part of the world.

I was just recently introduced to Saint Padre Pio by my good friend Stephie. And just a few days ago, Tuesday to be exact, the world celebrated his feast day. Masses and prayers were held this month of September in his honor at Lourdes Church in Retiro. Padre Pio is Capuchin and so is Lourdes Church, which is under the Capuchins of Saint Francis of Assisi, another favorite saint.

I’ve been praying for a friend of mine who is stricken with stage two stomach cancer. Tuesday’s high mass for Padre Pio was an opportunity for me to pray for my friend’s continued healing, asking Padre Pio to intercede for God’s mercy and grace.

I am glad that my friend is responding positively to chemotherapy. He told me the other day that he was supposed to undergo surgery. His doctor was surprised that he does not need one anymore. Despite him frequently missing out medication, he continues to heal. He is scheduled to have his last radiation this October, and after that the oncologist promised him a new lease of life. I continue to pray for him because he’s been sick for more than two years.

A lot has been documented on the life of Padre Pio. Hailed as a living saint during his time, Padre Pio is famous for the stigmata, the five wounds of the crucified Christ, hands, feet and side, manifesting in the friar’s frail body. He died in 1968 and after a recent exhumation of his body, 40 years counting, his body remains intact. More information on Padre Pio is available at http://www.padrepiodevotions.org/. He is a saint among us as he lived in these modern times just like Mother Teresa, Sister Lucia of Fatima, and the Little Flower, St. Therese of Liseux.

September and October are really busy prayer months. I, in particular, make sure that I attend mass and devote prayers for the Blessed Mother and St. Michael and the Archangels in September, and the Holy Angels, St. Therese of Liseux and La Naval in October.

Will be sleeping in a bit. Have to wake up early for later’s Michaelmas celebration. It’s September 28, St. Michael’s feast day. Stephie and I will go to San Miguel Church in Malacanang to honor our dear St. Michael.

October 1, Wednesday, is the feast day of St. Therese. And I’m glad that we have no work. Government has declared October 1 a national holiday, the start of the month of Ramadan in reverence to our Muslim brothers. Will join them in prayer through Little Flower.

I decided to edit my Friendster profile. Keep it short and simple this time. I revised my favorite stuff to just general statements. It felt I have to because some of my favorites are really no longer my favorites. This was the third time I revised my self description to: “Contemplating on becoming a mystic, a hermit or a monk in a faraway monastery.”

I recall a heated argument with Papa on religion and philosophy. I don’t claim I’m an expert on the subjects but I was provoked to debate with him because of his know-it-all attitude. I admit that I was a bit irked by his haughtiness. He’s against orthodox religion; not only with the Catholic Church but any form religion. He describes conventional religion as “blind leading the blind”.

I feel Papa had deep seated anger with regards to his abomination with religion. What I discern is that Papa might have had problems or personal issues with priests and leaders of the church. I remember him telling me that he was active in the Cursillo movement wayback and has taught catechism. But he never found God in religion.

Definitely, Dad’s journey is different from his children’s journeys. We have our own battles to fight, our own realizations on things. God will reveal Himself as appropriate to His children, at His right place, in His right time.

Going back to my debate with Papa (as if I could win an argument with a lawyer), I ended up stumped. Dad had his way of feeling you bad and stupid. I was so desperate that I threatened him: “I’ll become a priest!” I said that because I knew he hated priests with a passion. Because I knew he won’t like the statement.

But he answered grinning: “Go ahead. I am not stopping you.”

That statement from Dad has been hounding me for the past months. And just recently three people had indicated a priestly vocation for me. Sheesh! Honestly, I haven’t been praying right because of that nagging feeling. What if this is really my calling?

I’m okay with getting active in church or in my community or even a life of single blessedness. But a priest? Oh my Lord!

I hope I am wrong. I hope I am wrong. I hope I am wrong.

Been bad again. Sunday’s homily hit me on the bull’s eye. The worst devil to fight is really the devil in you.

It is hard to change because people are innately stubborn especially if it concerns going out of our comfort zones, going against our convictions and just trying to be aware of our deep-seated habits especially the bad ones. Everyday is a struggle to be good and to do what is right.

But lately, I realize I have been so hard on me. I have given myself standards that I could not reach. But then again, is setting high standards wrong? Actually, the more I set goals, the more I fail.

I promised a lot of things to God. I told Him that I will do this and I will do that. I ended up not doing it. I did two steps forward but four steps backward. After experiencing grace, I instantly experience fall. It is an endless cycle of good, bad, good, bad, bad, good, bad, bad, bad, a downward spiral. Things are getting so futile.

But I am not that desperate. I’ve been telling myself one step at a time. Change does not happen overnight. Please calm us, still our restless souls, allow us to breathe were my prayers. I’ve been allowing change to take its course. I’ve been going with the flow, just hanging on to this faith, but I feel there’s no direction yet.

I don’t know what I am going through. It’s just all restlessness. That’s what I feel now.

Things were never the same since my nephew came. Odin Genesis Malachi is almost eight months old. And on the day he was born, December 12, 2007, things turned out for the better. From tragedy in 2006 (when Papa died), and crisis after crisis, a blessing, a bundle of joy, came to our lives. And the blessings continue because despite the everyday struggles, we look forward to a light-hearted evening as we watch Odin go to sleep. Sometimes, you get to see him smile even when he sleeps. And when you wake-up in the morning, he will greet you with a smile as if smiling never ends.

It’s strange. Every time I see him, my problems seem to go away. Thank God that He created babies that way. I am excited by the fact that every time he sees me, he gets excited too. Odin always wants to be carried, and when I’m around, he reaches out for me to carry him. What I enjoy the most is talking to him as if he understands what I am talking about. He will look at you like an old person, and mumble sounds as if he was replying or giving a sermon.

But more than the joy he gives to me, its the joy that he gives to Mama that makes me the happiest. Lola, my Mama, has changed into a different person… from mama to grandmama, and the wisdom that comes with it.

Of course, I changed too. I am just overwhelmed by the beauty of generational transference as I see my mama, my sister and my nephew together. A miracle is in the making because I see God’s grace working through my nephew. I really see our lives getting better, not only as a family, but individuals as well.

God sent Odin at the right time.

I have been prayerful all my life. In my childhood, Dad and Lola taught me how to pray. And as I continuously to yearn and thirst for that spiritual experience, I encountered people who taught me how to pray as I journey along the way, prayers in different forms and sizes. One time, it felt like I was literally conversing with God. I was in my early teens then. Then it stopped. I remember that “voice” ordering me to stop doing something but I still continued. The “voice” did not leave abruptly; I continued hearing the “voice” until it faded away.

Hearing the “voice” gave me that sense of security, an assurance that God really exists and that He loves us and He will take care of us. I never blamed God for the situations I am into right now. All is not well but we get through. He was with me but as an outsider. I did not allow Him to take control of my life. There were instances that I did ask help from Him especially during times of crisis, using all the types of prayers that I know, and asking for the intercessions and prayers of His heavenly and earthly saints. He is good. He hears our prayers and, yes, He answers prayers. I thank Him for He is indeed a God of miracles.

I thought one could live spiritually with just using one’s volition and good and sincere intentions; trying to be good and by obeying His commandments. Hey! God is just there and you could always count on Him anytime. He is there and will always be there. And so I thought…

A lot of significant events have been happening for the past two years since Dad died in 2006. And we all know that things happen for a reason. I went through an awakening, self-realization phase. I had life-changing events, both good and bad. All of a sudden, I was in situations that I have no control of as if I was a chess piece being transferred from one block to another. It was good, even the bad things were okay because you know someone higher than you is in control. God is in control. He was correcting me, changing what was all wrong. At that time and up to now, all I can think of is just surrender all of these to Him. What can a helpless person do? My prayers were, “Lord, this is all yours.”

As I go through this process, and as I enjoy the moment with Him, God all of a sudden left me. I felt abandoned this time. But don’t get me wrong. At the peak of this honeymoon period with God, I saw myself going back to my old self. I was back to my old ways. I returned to my old sins. It was that abrupt. God all of a sudden took the backseat. He was an outsider again. I don’t know if this was a test of faith or if the enemy was winning me back. Apparently, the enemy won as I succumbed to sin.

These were months of self struggle. I made two steps forward and then four steps backward. I was back again to the bottom. It was a descending spiral, like a whirl pool, swirling you around and around, drowning you until you are back in darkness. Thing is, I was so aware of what was happening. The mystery of it all is that He allowed it to happen. I was back to where God has picked me up. I was angry. For the first time in my life, I started blaming God.

My prayers then were something to this effect: “Father God, my desire is to look beautiful in Your eyes. Make me whole. Heal my brokenness.” And He was doing it. He sent me people. He brought me to events and situations that brought healing. He opened opportunities for me to do better, to have reconciliation, and to do atonement. Aside from reading His Word through the Bible, that “voice” came back. And He was literally guiding me through every step. I was so high!

And then, at the middle of it all, He left me. I experienced sin again; I was my old worldly self. I prayed again, “I thought I’ve surrendered myself to You? Why is this happening?” Instead of His “voice”, I started hearing songs of praise, songs during church service and praise and worship. I could hear it coming from the inside but it was all over the place, outside of me as well, as if angels were the ones singing. Just imagine, I was doing stupid things but the sounds in the background were gospel music.

As I harbor this hurt, coming from God Himself, I had some realizations: I still love God. His intentions were good. Some will have different interpretations to this feeling of abandonment that I went through. Believe it or not, I still feel spiritual and still somewhat connected to Him despite the sin. How could I don’t feel connected as I could still feel Him from a distance, not near and within, but far yet I could still see Him. He’s somewhere there watching me. He is the Father of the prodigal son waiting, watching from afar.

I told God: “why don’t you just play chess with me again?” God in His gentle smile said: I gave you freewill. You are gifted with the gift of choice. I am just presenting you the options. I revealed Myself to you to show you what I am offering. I left you because I know you would always want to take control of your life, the way you used to do. I am just here because I AM. You may do whatever you want from now.

But, Father God, I have surrendered myself to You already.

Have you really surrendered yourself, Jupiter?

My God, You presented Yourself to me as someone that I have to accept. I am helpless and I have no choice but to accept You. There is no other way but You, O Lord!

Jupiter, man creates his own destiny. And that destiny is all towards I AM. I AM presented Himself to you, accordingly. Use your gift of choice in preparing that blueprint for your journey. I allowed you to see the heavens. I allowed you to feel bliss. But I AM more than that. I AM here on top of the mountain waiting for you.

My God, I fear that I shall fall. I haven’t started the real journey yet but I have sinned again.

Call upon my Beloved Son as He will lead you in your journey to I AM.

Father God, I am so ashamed revealing myself to You. I’ve been struggling hard for the past days. I continue to sin. I continue to fall. I continue to blaspheme. I ask for Your forgiveness and mercy. My heart is heavy, weary and restless. I am confused and I don’t know from where is this coming. I face a blank thick wall, waiting for Your words. Problem is, I don’t understand. Probably, I refuse to understand.

Father God, please don’t allow me to falter. Steer me away from all of these… all of these… I don’t know how to surrender, Father God… I claim that I have You in me… Yes, Father God! You are ever present! You are ever present! But why am I so broken? Why am I such a mess? As I continue to sin, I literally see You cry… those tears, Father God. Are You resenting me?

There are a lot of issues to be resolved, with my family, work, friends… I have issues with You, Father God… But I cannot deal with them yet… I am having a hard time confronting, dealing and making sense out of these issues… I am so angry within, Father God… But I just don’t know how to get mad… Right now, the devil is not my enemy. I am my worst enemy. I have issues with myself, and it’s so hard, so hard to deal with someone complicated as me. 

How could I give forgiveness if I don’t know how to forgive myself? How could I give love if I don’t know how to love myself? Father God, why do I continue to hurt? Why do we continue to cry? And why do I continue hurting myself? For how long, Father God? How many buckets of tears do I have to shed before I finally empty my heart with all these hurts I harbor? Sometimes, I just want to go away… go away. What if I don’t exist anymore?

But Father God, we really cannot fathom Your ways. You are a generous God. A God of miracles. You revealed Yourself as Abba, the compassionate, forgiving and merciful Father. You have not given up on me despite the many times I fall. When I literally surrender, giving up the fight, You take over my battles. It is so hard to understand that my God. Why do You love us so much? I feel so guilty, Father God. I am so ashamed.

How could I see Your face? As I bow down my head, sinful and sorrowful, all that my rationalizing mind can think of, and this human heart desire, is just to give all of these up to You. I don’t have all the answers to my questions. I just pray to You, Father God, even if I don’t know what to pray for. I just cannot deny Your mighty and divine presence in my life. You are watching me, Father God, you are watching me.

Empty my heart, Father God, most especially empty my mind. Could I ask You to get rid of my freewill and replace it with Your will? Crush this boastful heart of stone! Make me still…

As I end this prayer, Father God, and as I confess all of these to my brothers and sisters, I ask You Father God to send Your angels and saints, and most especially Your Son, my Brother, my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ to guide me through this journey.

Amen.

My friend Sasha has finally decided to put an end to her relationships, both with her two boyfriends. She says it was the right decision. It was painful but she had to do it. She did not choose from the two because it was hard choosing. She admits that she loved both.

The hardest part now is the coping and the moving on. Seven years with Vhon is still seven years. And her whirlwind romance with Dino really left an indelible mark even if it was only for a brief period. 

She’s crying and her heart’s bleeding. She wronged Vhon, and she feels guilty about it. She loves Dino, but the love happened at the wrong time. Healing will take quite awhile, more so, forgiveness— forgiveness not only from her two former boyfriends but forgiveness to herself.